The Rating Scale

Gauge: The thickness and sturdiness of the walls of the straw

Benchmarks: Perfect gauge is achieved when the straw does not bend, press inward, ovalize with the teeth, or otherwise misform under normal use with a soda.  When using a plastic lid, a user should be able to jab the straw through the lid in one continuous motion without the straw misforming in any way. 

Caliber: The diameter of the straw across the end

Benchmarks: Perfect caliber is achieved when the amount of time required to achieve a perfect draw is minimal without becoming a mockery of the proportions of a traditional straw.  

Length: The appropriateness of the length of the straw for the container in which the soda is served

Benchmarks: Perfect length is achieved when no part of one’s face touches the cup or lid while drinking; or the user does not need to lower the cup or glass below the table top to get the straw in the mouth.

Color:  The match of the color of the straw to the cup and the theme of the restaurant.  Really, you thought color would be part of the rating?  Color is a no points, aesthetic factor. 

Benchmarks: Perfect color is achieved when the straw is a solid color or striped to match a color on the cup or the overall theme of the establishment.  A clear or black straw is highly rated only in an upscale setting. 

Wrap: The wrapper around the straw when it is offered to the patron.  Wrap is an hygienic quality that carries no points, just gratitude.

Benchmarks: Perfect wrap is achieved when the straw is provided securely and completely wrapped in either paper or plastic.  “Tip-wrapped” or partially unwrapped straws already inserted into a drink are frowned upon.  Unwrapped straws already in a drink are highly questionable.  Unwrapped straws offered outside a drink are disgusting. 

Draw: The overall experience provided by the straw as measured by the three factors of Gauge, Caliber, and Length

Benchmarks: Perfect draw is achieved when a single, brief draw provides a satisfying and quenching mouthful of soda. 

10: Straw has no qualifiers (e.g., caliber is too narrow, gauge is too thin, length is too long).  

9: Straw has a minor qualifier.

8: Straw has a distinct qualifier or multiple minor ones.

Beginning at 7, bringing your own straw is recommended.

7: Give me another straw, please.

6: Qualifiers are significant and distracting.

5: Someone’s not paying attention.

4: Establishment is disrespecting the customer.

3: The owner is likely not to use the straws here.

2: The straw is dysfunctional.

1: The straw is really for another purpose.